I feel it. Something churning. There are almost no words, but yet as I sit here listening to Gilmore Girls reruns, I find myself challenged to define it. Do you ever feel like you’re on the edge of something? Something way bigger than you could’ve ever imagined? That’s me. Right now. Trying to weigh the ins and outs and ups and downs of every decision that comes my way. In actuality though, I really don’t think it’s that complicated. I don’t think that if I decide to change my business cards to letterpress or buy so and so’s DVD on the one secret that will make your photography business prosper it will really make any difference at all. Because I don’t think that this churning thing has anything to do with what’s on the outside.
I wholeheartedly believe that I’m at a crossroads. In my mind. Do I continue on in the comfortable world of mediocrity? OR, Do I dare to dream that I could change anything? Be anything? My disdain for the mondain, mainstream lifestyle launches me closer to the latter. But what if? What if I fail? What if I fall flat on my face walking down the steps in my evening gown and don’t even make it to the top ten? Not that I am entering a Miss America pageant or anything even close, but I’m sure you all get the picture of utter humiliation I was trying to portray. Failure. Yuck. What a strong, harsh, debilitating word. And if you’ve ever been told that failure is your destiny it gains even more power. Paralyzing power. A power that because of words spoken I have succumb to the majority of my life. But I’m tired. I’m tired of seeing the world be conquered while I sit on the sidelines. Tired of worrying about what others think, or what will happen if I wake up realizing that I did actually fail. Who cares? Because that failure wouldn’t be because an idea didn’t take off, or no one signed up to listen when I spoke. It would be because I never put myself into the game in the first place.
At this point I’m reminded of David. Totally young inexperienced and small, yet forever remembered as the unlikely child to conquer the Philistine warrior. What amazes me about this story is that David lived. With or without Goliath. He lived. He grew up, had a life, a family, dreams to fulfill. But who would remember David without Goliath? What if he had backed down? What if fear had paralyzed him and he refused to face his giant? My guess is we probably wouldn’t be reading about David today. He still would’ve lived, but would he have made an impact with his life? My guess is no. Or at least not one to speak of. His fear would’ve won.
I want my life to have impact. I don’t want my kids to look back at my life and say that my fear won. That I was held down by a paralyzing power. I want them to look back and be able to count the giants I conquered. I want them to learn from those times and stand on my shoulders into the next generation.
So here I go. Both feet in, no turning back. Daring to dream.
And simply because I want documentation of this craziness. I want to be able to look back and remember what I felt before the dive. I will be posting snippets of the adventures as I walk them out. So keep tuning in if you feel like it. I’m certain that I just may fall on my face in a gorgeous evening gown. Pink I bet. With lots of bling. But I promise to get back up, brush myself off and get back in the game.